Mr. Manners

Hello drivers and seat covers, and how’s the blacktop road treating you?
It’s almost time for the snow to start causing problems everywhere, so remember that Miles and I worry about you out there … if those flakes are comin’ in faster than they do at a family reunion (your in-laws are ‘flakes’ – get it?) then please think about pulling over a little early for the night. Miles always says it takes less time in the long run to pull over and wait for the snowplows to clear the highway than to put on chains and hope you make it. I know, I know, you got deadlines to meet – just don’t make it a real ‘dead’ line, ok?
Well, Thanksgiving is already past. What’s happened to the calendar lately? Several other people I’ve talked to want to know where are August and September; let alone the rest of last summer. I think maybe the world really has started spinnin’ faster an’ we’re just now realizing it.
Now I’m gonna fuss at you some more. You know how I admire good-lookin’ hairy-chested truckers who have clean shirts and good manners on and look like they deserve to be called ‘Knights of the Road.’ I was outside the cab holdin’ the hose nozzle for Miles the other day at a truck stop (won’t say where) and I noticed another trucker at the next fuel island.
We got to talkin’ for a little bit, and then Miles came grumbling back from the fuel desk (nowadays I don’t know anyone who isn’t grumbling when they pay – ooooeee does that hurt!) so I told the other trucker so long and climbed back up in the cab.
Well. I don’t care if he wasn’t married, as he said, he had no excuse to be goin’ around looking that bad. His beard had rats in it, I do believe. It looked like it from all the tangles. His hair was greasy hanging down from a muddy hat, an’ when he turned around to finish fueling his truck, his britches looked like they were going to slide right on off him.
Since when do truckers go around lookin’ like dirty ’ol men?
My stars and garters! Even a homeless shelter wouldn’t have taken him in. Showers are available out there on the road, boys – and barbers too, come to think of it. I don’t recall ever seein’ anyone who had his right seat cover with him looking that bad. If this guy wants to even think about getting married again, he’d better at least take a bath once in a while. Sure am glad the breeze was blowin’ away from me … ol’ Skunk Breath over there probably would’ve curled my eyelashes.
An’ while I’m at it, speakin’ of manners, what has happened to sayin’ “Thank You” when someone flashes their lights at you and lets you over in their lane? It only takes two or three little return blinks, drivers, and it sure makes the trucker who slowed down and made room for you feel good. Miles is always mutterin’ under his breath about ‘the snot-nosed kid who can’t even have the courtesy to say “Thanks, Pop!” after I’ve let him slide over here.’
I had a good time when I went in to get a loaf of bread and some other things at a truck stop last Monday, though. Every driver who had to squeeze past me to get to the other side of the cashier’s line said, “Excuse me.” Now wasn’t that nice? But I do wish that young blonde girl hadn’t pushed the potato chip display back up against the wall. Spoiled all my fun, openin’ up a nice wide aisle like that.
Well, enough of my preachin’ for now. I know most of you have hearts as big as your rigs are, an’ it’s just a few who are out on the road being discourteous and dirtier than Jack Allen’s hogs … but it only takes a few of us for the public to think we all act and look like that.
I ain’t no hairy-chested trucker (shut UP, Miles!) but a little soft soap will make a lot of things go smoother. Think about it.
All right, I’m gonna sign off for now. Drive safe everybody, an’ when I see Santa, I’ll give him your list!